Mr. Sasquatch Goes Hunting

One day Mr. Sasquatch was going to hunt for dinner. So, rather then being animal like, he grabbed an Uzi and a beer. After getting all liquored up he walked into the forest and started firing off rounds at nothing in particular.  He continued firing, failing to notice the obvious rabbit hole in front of his feet.

After firing off at least three rounds, none other than Bugs Bunny popped out of the hole with a way overused greeting "What's up Doc?"
Mr. Sasquatch, being a man of little intelligence after consumption of alcohol, holstered his gun and replied with one word.

"No, I am not just a bunny, I am a hair. Now, you shouldn't go around..." Bug's began, but then, out of no where, popped another creature, this one slightly stranger. The Lorax!

 

After his eyes popped out of his head from shock, picked up, and popped back in Loony Toons style, Bugs said "Where did you even come from? In fact, I don't remember a tree stump either!"

"I am the Lorax, I come as a please, and now, I will shake your hand with my knees." The Lorax replied plainly.

"Do you just sit in your home coming up with rhymes that don't make any since whatsoever?" Bugs belched.

"No, that was harsh, someone woke up on the wrong side of the marsh. By the way do you have any cash? I'm broke and the bus is $3.50." The Lorax said. "Anyway, I think you are just angry that without your old writer, you are just like Daffy!" He continued.

"Ok, but this is my turf, I can handle this." Bugs shouted.

Mr. Sasquatch wondered what the weird mushrooms he ate prior to the experience were. He also wondered why he was watching these two meaty creatures argue instead of shooting them.

"Fine, I will do my business and leave. You see Mr. Sasquatch, in your drunken rage, you shot down all the Swomee-Swans! Now they can't fly away from the Onceler and his putrid puke! And the Brown Bar-Ba-Loots are covered in blood, it appears you shot off their little boots! The Humming Fish are dead like fish in a barrel! What has you to say for yourself Mr. Sasquatch?" The Lorax said.

"Bunnnnyy....." Mr. Sasquatch replied.

"Ok Mr. Sasquatch, you have no reason to listen to this pot-head who calls himself the Lorax, there is no such thing as a Swomee-Swan or a Humming-Fish!" Said Bugs.

"Fine, if you don't appreciate my presence here, I will leave. But be warned..." And with that, the Lorax lifted his rump and was gone.

"Now, Mr. Sasquatch, are you going to..." Bugs began before 17 bullets landed in his head.

Then, Mr. Sasquatch walked home, dragging his dinner behind him. "I love rabbit stew." Said Mr. Sasquatch before taking a big bite.



The morale of this story is "Never argue next to a man with a gun."

Camp Surf

In Sixth Grade, we all went on a field trip to Camp Surf in California (Yay!). It was great. Except for the bus ride. What did we do? Play tennis (The hand slapping one) until the teacher told us to stop (I won), sing about sharks, until the teacher told us to shut up, eat and go to the bathroom at EVERY rest stop. Oh and we had to watch Twilight. Twice.

I mean other than the bus ride it was pretty fun and I got some great memories.

For example, living in Arizona, we know all about the border patrol, and what an Alien really is (No racism intended) if fact, we got stopped by border patrol, and checked for, legal citizens, IDs (Of the adults) and all our suitcases were checked, along with the buses compartments, for crack, marijuana, crystal meth, various other drugs, and illegal immigrants. We got out of it clean. Before that, we saw some army jeeps go by, and it was pretty cool.

Another example is when we had to go to the beach. Camp Surf is also a nature reserve type thing, so the beach wasn't cleaned. It reeked of seaweed and dead fish. (Actually, if you saw that George Lopez Movie where he is a Troop Mom, they used Camp Surf's beach. And the scene where the wolf robot is going towards a military base in Transformers 2 was also filmed right outside the entrance. ) It looked something like this:

Except it was much bigger, and with more seaweed.  The thing on the left is a jetty.

The water was freezing cold, so me and one of my friends decided to tie the seaweed together. After more than 30 minutes of combining seaweed, we had an amazing large and long piece of seaweed. Surprisingly enough, it was highly elastic. In fact, after using it as a trip wire, we buried it, which required a very large hole.

That night, we had to come up with skits for an Eco-friendly vehicle. And hence, Garret the Human Pack Mule was born! Not so much born, as forced to crawl and sat on for the entertainment of my fellows.

Yes, he is farting. In fact, let me tell you how this vehicle works. Yous see, Garret is a packmule. A human pack mule. He runs on blood, sweat, tears, and beans. He is powered purely by gas. But a much more natural gas than you would expect. But wait, if you order now, you pay not $19.99, not $29.99, but $32.99. That's right, order now and get Garret the Human Pack Mule, complete with can of beans, for just $32.99*!

*Plus $52.99 for shipping and handling.


Not to mention, the people who ran the place thought it was a great idea to let the rabbits make holes near the archery range. I think at least 2 are dead by my hand. Accidentally of course.

Lucky for us, on the way home, we got to watch better movies. Like Pirates of the Caribbean.

Math?

Math Class. We all know it can get boring. Really boring. And when the teacher gives out a homework assignment, everyone has a different reaction.

However, this usually, and immediately, creates boredom. And boredom becomes free time. And free time becomes funny.

In fact, this one time, I was having a heated debate over something irrelevant and forgotton, when it erupted into my friend shouting, "Fine! Let's settle this like men. Thumb war. Right now."

After almost 10 minutes of thumb war, I was crowned victor, after the third person, sitting in between us, shoved our hands away from each other. He promptly finished his homework, we did not. I then stole his giant eraser (Seriously it's bigger than my hand) and poked holes forming my name into it.

This created another, slightly shorter, thumb war. That ended when I told him "Did you get your daily does of stab yet?" and then proceeded to poke him (Lightly of course) with a pencil.

Sadly, the bell rang and the fun ended.

The Fish of DOOM

This is a fish. Look at him. Are you drooling? Are your eyes bleeding out of jealousy? It is a magical fish that grants you one wish. If you promise not to eat him. Sadly, I ate him. This is just a picture of a normal trout. The magical fish took a tour of my large intestine then, 10-12 hours later, the sewer.

However, it is a beautiful trout, do you not agree? Look at it's pixilated goodness. Use your eyes, use your mind. Eat it. Yes, with your eyes. Imagine how the taste would fill your mouth. Imagine the wonderful feelings of having a trout, flopping around in your stomach acid. Who says you need a mouth to eat?

Lunch

School Cafeterias. The only place where you are forced to take a certain amount of food, and any food not eaten, is thrown. A place where, if you are not at war, you are going to war. A place of madness and excitement. But most of all, random games involving shouting inappropriate words.


That was one fateful day when I was challenged to play the Penis Game with the loudest person in our school. (The game where you repeatably shout penis louder and louder) Well, that isn't the best idea, but I figured why not.

It started out plain and innocent. It started fun. But later it became a war. A battle, madness (Sparta), something would explode. Little did I know it was my eardrums.


The battle went on, getting louder and louder. First Graders walked in for their lunch. The stakes were higher. It was my turn. I yelled it loud. It was drowned out by a large chip bag being sat on. Lucky me.

It was his turn, I had won, their was no way he could top that. Then, suddenly, he erupted in an ear shattering blast heard round the world then back again. All the First Graders, were exposed mentally, to the word.

That's about when everyone glared at him. Everyone at our table was cracking up. It was hilarious, even the first graders were amazed. He was repeatedly scolded by teachers.However it got better, he had to go to the detention room. It was the funniest thing to hit the lunch room that day! (However it was quickly passed up by a grape nailing a teacher square in the chest)

My joy was quickly taken away when he said the worst words I had ever heard.

The Mountanous Molehill

Some time in my childhood, I went to my Uncle's house. He had a huge backyard compared to what I have living on a golf course home in Arizona. It was green there too, on the "East Coast", they also said they got "Snow".

Being young at the time, the backyard was like a magical wonderland of magicness. Until that fateful moment that would change the course of history forever. A portal opened that would advance human technology past the brink of all technology. No just kidding, I actually tripped and fell.

And then, there was sadness. It was a backyard of evil and it had to die. However my Dad told me not to make a mountain out of a molehill. Not understanding any such thing as an idiom, and wanting to spite him, I went in search of a molehill to hike.

I didn't even know what a molehill was! After much searching, I found a rabbit hole. Then I piled a bunch of sand on it and it looked something like this:

Then a rabbit popped out, probably thinking "WTF Did you just do to my hole?" I continued to attempt to climb this mountainous molehill.

Ok, maybe it wasn't that big. But it was still a rabbit hole covered in sand. And it still ended quite strangely. But that's just a normal day, in a not so normal world.

Sasquatch

This is Mr. Sasquatch. He is Pedobear's 2nd cousin twice removed. They have completely different ideas about the words, hunting, predator and prey. If they went hunting together

I think they would have a conversation something like this:

Mr. Sasquatch: No Pedo, we look for an animal or person then, we kill them.
Pedobear: We don't sexually molest them then throw them into a dumpster for the next NCIS episode? 
Mr. Sasquatch: NO you actually KILL the prey, then EAT them. It is called hunting.
Pedobear: Are you...
Mr. Sasquatch: You know what! Go home Pedobear!

How to Keep an Idiot Entertained!

Have you ever wanted to keep an idiot entertained? Completely mindless, droopy and glassy eyed?

To keep an idiot entertained, look at the paragraph below this.

To keep an idiot entertained, look at the paragraph above this.


You might be an idiot if:
You looked down then back up more than 8 times.
You didn't realize the paradox in the situation.

Disclaimer: Not meant to provoke harm, or mean/bad feelings. Simply a joke. Don't get all mad.

High Five!

Have you ever been just wandering around school, or work, or anywhere else, and some random stranger you have never met walks up to you and gives you a high five? And occasionally, they are jerks and do something like "Haha too slow!" or "Jellyfish!" or "Dolhphin!"? Well, what if they were being literal and this happened to you? What would you do?

That's what I think the ending might look like. You, just standing there, minding your own business when suddenly. Wham! A dolphin, right in your face.